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Jokes - how about a few - clean ones of course

Discussion in 'The Watering Hole' started by BillN, Jun 3, 2011.

  1. BillN

    BillN SC Hall of Famer

    Aug 25, 2010
    S W France
    Bill
    One of the "cyber police" could get me for this one


    ATM machine – Male or Female

    A sign in the Bank lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through automatic transaction machines (ATM) enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accesing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

    MALE PROCEDURE.
    Drive up to the ATM.
    Put down your car window.
    Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.
    Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    Put window up.
    Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE.
    Drive up to cash machine.
    Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with ATM.
    Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into ATM.
    Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to its excessive distance from car. Insert card.
    Re-insert card the right way.
    Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on inside back page. Enter PIN.
    Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    Enter amount of cash required.
    Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
    Retrieve cash and receipt.
    Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. Re-check makeup.
    Drive forward two feet. Reverse back to ATM.
    Retrieve card. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card in the slot provided.
    Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    Restart stalled engine and drive off.
    Redial person on mobile phone.
    Drive for two miles. Release parking brake.
     
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  2. BillN

    BillN SC Hall of Famer

    Aug 25, 2010
    S W France
    Bill
    and another


    David Beckham goes Horse Riding

    David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

    Victoria admiringly watching her husband.


    After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

    Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

    David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!


    Hearing her screams, the Tesco's, (Walmart or Lidl), Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
     
    • Like Like x 5
  3. BillN

    BillN SC Hall of Famer

    Aug 25, 2010
    S W France
    Bill
    Blind man in a Bar

    A blind man wanders into an all girls bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
     
    • Like Like x 6
  4. Ray Sachs

    Ray Sachs SC Legend

    Sep 21, 2010
    Not too far from Philly
    you should be able to figure it out...
    I laughed, perhaps inappropriately, at all three... :biggrin:

    -Ray
     
    • Like Like x 2
  5. kathyh

    kathyh SC Top Veteran

    734
    Jul 13, 2010
    Ottawa, Canada
    Kathy
    The politically correct police are coming to get you NOW!
     
    • Like Like x 3
  6. BBW

    BBW Administrator Emeritus

    Jul 7, 2010
    betwixt and between
    BB
    :biggrin: Thank you Mr. Bill! I laughed, too - and still am.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  7. Streetshooter

    Streetshooter Administrator Emeritus

    Jul 12, 2010
    Philly, Pa
    A man is driving thru a small neighborhood and slows down and goes thru a stop sign....
    He continues enroute and a block away, does the same thing...
    slows down and runs the stop sign....

    He continues and a block away, he does the same thing...
    slows down and runs the stop sign but this time a police car turns on the siren and pulls him over.

    The officer approaches the man and tells the man that he ran 3 stop signs.
    The man says, stop or slow down, what's the difference?

    The officer takes out his night stick and starts to hit the man.
    Then says to the man, you want me to stop or slow down?
     
    • Like Like x 5
  8. summerkl

    summerkl SC Veteran

    374
    Oct 11, 2010
    Vancouver, Canada
    Kevin
    A young man named Kevin, lamenting his poor lot in life decides to take up religion and pray to his god to win the lottery.

    Kevin proceeds to pray humbly every day for decades to win the lottery.

    Finally one day Kevin asks his god "Why have I not won the lottery even though I have dutifully prayed to you every day for decades?"

    To Kevin's surprise, his god answers "Kevin, you need to buy a lottery ticket first"
     
    • Like Like x 4
  9. kyteflyer

    kyteflyer ~@¿@~

    Jan 31, 2011
    Newcastle, Australia
    Sue
    Q: Did you hear the one about the optician who fell into the lensgrinder?
    A: He made a spectacle of himself
     
    • Like Like x 2
  10. soundimageplus

    soundimageplus SC Top Veteran

    578
    Jul 6, 2010
    There was a faith healer came to town claiming he could heal all ills. At a meeting he invited two unfortunate people to the stage. One Mr. Jones had a speech impediment, the other Mr. Smith was on crutches and couldn't walk unaided. The healer invited the two men to stand behind a screen while he whipped the audience into a frenzy. At the climax of his performance he shouted out to the two men, "Mr Jones you are cured, you will speak normally, Mr Smith, you are cured, you will walk normally, throw away your crutches." Just then there was an almighty crash from behind the screen. "Whats happened" said the faith healer "Mifter Miffs forlin offer" came the reply.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  11. BBW

    BBW Administrator Emeritus

    Jul 7, 2010
    betwixt and between
    BB
    Bd, bad bad...you all! :026:
     
  12. kyteflyer

    kyteflyer ~@¿@~

    Jan 31, 2011
    Newcastle, Australia
    Sue
    Q: Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy
     
    • Like Like x 5
  13. kyteflyer

    kyteflyer ~@¿@~

    Jan 31, 2011
    Newcastle, Australia
    Sue
    Then there was the one about the doctor who died and went to heaven (a doctor told me this one)...

    St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and began taking him on a tour of Heaven, pointing out the places of interest, and showing him where he was to live. There was a communal dining room, and Peter explained to the doctor... now you are here, you don't get to go to the head of the queue like you did before. The doctor thought this was very fair and didn't complain... but just at that moment, this guy dressed in a white coat, with a stethoscope round his neck raced to the head of the queue, got food, rushed to a table and sat down to eat. The doctor looked questioningly at St Peter, who simply shrugged and said...

    "Sorry. I forgot to tell you. God likes to play Doctor sometimes."
     
    • Like Like x 3
  14. BillN

    BillN SC Hall of Famer

    Aug 25, 2010
    S W France
    Bill
    An Irish joke - (with all due respect etc., I have a lot of Irish friends - generally they do not mind)


    Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
    > >
    > > Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
    > > people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'
    > >
    > > 'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
    > > disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five
    > > persons.'
    > >
    > > 'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
    > > have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'
    > >
    > > The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want
    > > to speak to someone with more intelligence!'
    > >
    > > 'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
     
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  15. BBW

    BBW Administrator Emeritus

    Jul 7, 2010
    betwixt and between
    BB
    :rolleyes::biggrin:
     
    • Like Like x 1
  16. Streetshooter

    Streetshooter Administrator Emeritus

    Jul 12, 2010
    Philly, Pa
    A doctor comes home from work and his wife is screaming frantically....
    There's a leak in the toilet and water is going all over the place....

    Hurriedly the doctor calls a plumber and within minutes the plumber arrives.
    They both run upstairs and the plumber turns off the water valve and fixes the leak.

    The plumber hands the doctor a bill for $100.00.
    The doctor tells the plumber, I'm a doctor , I don't make $100.00 in less than 5 minutes.
    The plumber says, when I was a doctor, I didn't either....
     
    • Like Like x 7
  17. BillN

    BillN SC Hall of Famer

    Aug 25, 2010
    S W France
    Bill
    RING.........RING.........."Hello!"
    "Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?"
    "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
    "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs with Mummy right now."
    Another brief pause. "OK then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
    "Okay Daddy, wait a minute."
    A little later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
    "And what happened honey?" he asked.
    "Well, Mummy got scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dressing table and now she isn't moving at all."
    "Oh my God!!! What about Uncle Paul?"
    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the bedroom window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took the water out of it to clean it, and he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
    Very long pause.



    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?......Is this 485731?"
     
    • Like Like x 3
  18. PapaDee

    PapaDee SC Regular

    57
    Apr 18, 2011
    Springfield, Virginia USA
    David
    Henny Youngman is alive and well and working in a diner in Philly.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  19. PapaDee

    PapaDee SC Regular

    57
    Apr 18, 2011
    Springfield, Virginia USA
    David
    I want to thank you all for making my day.

    Please keep it up because I am going to check back tomorrow. After I find my copy of the Joe E. Miller joke book.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  20. Ray Sachs

    Ray Sachs SC Legend

    Sep 21, 2010
    Not too far from Philly
    you should be able to figure it out...
    I just downloaded a book onto my Kindle called "Haikus for Jews - for you, a little wisdom" and it was one of the funniest books I've ever read in my life. It was also incredibly short - I spent $10 on it and finished it in about 15 minutes. What could be more perfect than a book of Haikus for Jews that leaves you angry at the excessive cost and brevity? Its like a Haiku all in itself. Anyway, a couple of choice examples:

    No fins, no flippers,
    the gefilte fish swims with
    some difficulty

    Looking for pink buds
    to prune back, the mohel tends
    his flower garden

    The sparkling blue sea
    beckons me to wait one hour
    after my sandwich.

    That's all you get for free!

    -Ray
     
    • Like Like x 1