Xmas Health & Safety

Discussion in 'The Watering Hole' started by Hauki, Dec 2, 2011.

  1. Hauki

    Hauki SC Regular

    Dec 2, 2011
    Somerset, England
    Xmas Health & Safety

    With the festive season soon upon us,
    I thought the following may be useful!

    Health &Safety Guidance on Festive Songs:

    Jingle Bells
    Dashing through the snow

    In a one horse open sleigh

    O'er the fields we go

    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

    While Shepherds Watched

    While shepherds watched

    Their flocks by night

    All seated on the ground

    The angel of the Lord came down

    And glory shone around

    The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

    Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.

    Little Donkey

    Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road

    Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

    The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear FFP2 dust masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.

    We Three Kings

    We three kings of Orient are

    Bearing gifts we traverse afar

    Field and fountain, moor and mountain

    Following yonder star

    Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

    We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Dust masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
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  2. bilzmale

    bilzmale Super Moderator Emeritus

    Jul 17, 2010
    Perth, Western Australia
    Real Name:
    Bill Shinnick
    Very clever - bought a smile to my face - thanks for sharing.
  3. christilou

    christilou SC Hall of Famer

    Jul 13, 2010
    Sunny Frimley
    Funny but sad at the same time. What HAVE we become here in the UK:rolleyes:
    • Like Like x 1
  4. BBW

    BBW Administrator Emeritus

    Jul 7, 2010
    betwixt and between
    Real Name:
    I chuckled when I read this, Hauki. Thank you for making me laugh this morning, albeit a little ruefully.:wink: